


Cartman's Venting Diary

by Queen3x3



Category: South Park
Genre: Jealousy, M/M, Short One Shot, venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 18:23:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17813105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queen3x3/pseuds/Queen3x3
Summary: Some Kyman angst from Eric's POV because I felt inspired today.





	Cartman's Venting Diary

**Author's Note:**

> Note that this takes place on highschool days and that their relationship has changed since fourth grade.

_“I’m sick._

_I’m tired._

_I’m tired of how you say that I mean more to you than anyone else could and then you never act like it._

_I lose hope when you stop talking to me for days, even weeks._

_I become desperate for your attention, the same attention that doesn’t ever come. The same attention that looks like its directed towards everyone but me._

_However, you are there, still with that comprehensive look in your eyes._

_Saying what you have to say, or rather what I want to hear._

_All my paranoid thinking, my grief, my desperation. Everything becomes a fog of stupidity and self-depreciation. Because I’m too busy thinking about the chances of you hating me or ignoring me. You have lots of reasons for that, after all._

_And my brain tells me you have no reason to love me, too._

_And still, you appreciate me. You tell me how much I mean to you._

_And the vicious circle begins once again._

_Remember that day? When you saved my ass for the hundredth time and I asked you why you kept doing it? And then you told me that you did it because you cared for me, because I was important to you?_

_You know, when I told you the same some months later, while you were resting on my couch, I meant it. I meant each and every word of that sentence._

_I wish I didn’t._

_And still, I do my best to let you know by my acts. I’ve searched for you countless times. Between lessons, on breaks... The days I found you, you were with your classmates. You smiled at me and let me be with you all till the next class. You greeted me on the corridors from time to time._

_But maybe I’m not sure if you were greeting me, us, or just him._

_I know he’s important to you and that he’s had it real hard recently, that he’s needed you by his side. But it’s as if you’ve changed after that, you know? As if his problems eclipsed everyone else’s._

_When I’m overwhelmed, when I’m not okay, when I tell you I hate myself._

_Fuck!_

_One way or another, it’s like you are used to saying the same things to other people, to him too._

_It’s like you have rehearsed it and like I’m annoying you. Fuck! It’s as if my problems didn’t matter to you, as if I wasn’t important, not anymore._

_And in some way, when it’s him, it’s never annoying._

_Sometimes I wish I was him._

_Maybe you haven’t noticed._

_But almost every time I saw you at school, when I left them to go and say ‘hi’ to you alone before they arrived to our shared lesson, the only thing that appeared to cross your mind seemed to be “where are Stan and Kenny?”._

_It hurts._

_It hurts how you seem to care more for them, or rather just one of them, to the point of using me as a way to find ‘them’._

_When they arrived, you rushed towards him. You greeted the other boy too, but you fucking focused on him._

_Someday it will be too late. Someday you’ll realize what you lost while you were too busy caring for him, looking at him, helping him, thinking of him all the fucking time._

_But still, I can’t blame you._

_Because you have no idea._

_Because you don’t have a clue._

_You don’t know the half of it._

_You don’t know what this past 4 years have been to me._

_You don’t know how I feel._

_And I hope you never do._

_I’m taking this with me to the grave._

_I hate that he, as it seems, gets all your attention._

_Because it hurts._

_A lot._

_And I don’t even get why it hurts this much._

_How? When I know you care about me? When you say those things to me?_

_It doesn’t make sense._

_But it still hurts._

_And that’s why I hate it._

_And still, the only one to blame here is myself._

_And thus, I enter a spiral of self-depreciation._

_And I don’t know how to get out._

_And still, you’re so focused on him and everything else, that you can’t even hear me crying for help, for YOUR help._

_You can’t._

_He doesn’t let you._

_I hate it._

_I can’t take it.”_

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not a native English speaker, please don't be harsh on me if there are any grammar mistakes ;u;
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
> You can let me know what you think in the comment section :)


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